I love this but there is always another way to look at things, isn’t there?
I believe my life was saved by hopelessness. More than half my life ago now, my struggle was big. My children were small. I went from day to day trying to change, trying to do better, trying to be better. In such struggle we are (probably universally) either unable to see what exactly needs changing or without the ability to make the change. We work with limited consciousness, ego, denial, and resistance and control. As things got worse, the ego, denial and resistance became harder to maintain. The ideas that “things would be ok”, “this too shall pass”, “it will get better” faded until I finally realized that this could be the end of everything I held dear. I could lose my home, my car, my children… lose my children. That’s the biggest one. I sat with this for a while in futility and then in acceptance. All pretense of who I identified as fell away. I was hopeless. And worse than hopelessness in a chair or a bed, there was still every day to attempt to navigate. As I lost my identity of apartment dweller, driver, mother… and picked up failure, a quiet came. Pretense is a very heavy burden. As I became nothing I became lighter. All my preconceived notions of who I was fell away and I was left with a huge space to become something else and with no prejudice against doing so.
If you can’t keep the candle of hope lit, call someone who can. There is always someone who can, they are probably just someone who you would never call until all resistance is gone.