Finding the silver lining - and looking forward
to getting stoned one more time.
I've spent the last week much more depressed than I
thought was possible as a result of something that happened outside of my
immediate circle of friends and family. I've accomplished nothing during the
week - aside from assisting in the birth of a new litter of puppies (or
familiars as "we" call them) - and spent most of the week scanning the
Internet for Canadian immigration laws, boondocking, Costa Rican property,
and where to order valium online. I've felt old, tired and defeated. I've
pondered how the fuck Jesus became a republican and I've looked for the
silver lining. It took a week but I finally found it.
I have been feeling pretty boring the last few
years. I've been sober for over 20 years which, coincidentally, is about how
long it's been since I was last arrested. I've been with Ken for over 30
years (most of the time anyway). My life is pretty simple and settled. I
haven't caused much excitement in a very long time.
It was the list of crimes that call for the death
penalty in
Joe Bageant's article that finally cheered me up:
"Capital punishment, central to the Reconstructionist
ideal, calls for the death penalty in a wide range of crimes, including
abandonment of the faith, blasphemy, heresy, witchcraft, astrology,
adultery, sodomy, homosexuality, striking a parent, and ''unchastity before
marriage'' (but for women only.) Biblically correct methods of execution
include stoning, the sword, hanging, and burning. Stoning is preferred,
according to Gary North, the self-styled Reconstructionist economist,
because stones are plentiful and cheap. Biblical Law would also eliminate
labor unions, civil rights laws, and public schools."
According to this list I am the Ted Bundy of Secular
Humanists, not some boring old poodle breeder and web site developer.
Imagine being tried for witchcraft. That is not boring!
I'm pretty sure I qualify for a good stoning on all counts listed and
although I might not make it on the homosexual count there was that time I
was the Best Woman at my sister's wedding to her girlfriend on the Jerry
Springer show. That should count for something and there is hard evidence on
that one. Ken and I never did get married so the counts on Adultery (or
unchastity before marriage - or both) should put me way over the top on that
crime. Then of course there were the two abortions, not to mention working
in an abortion clinic. Having spent so many years in a New Age Spiritualist
cult won't help me out at the trial any and my three decks of well
worn Tarot cards - as well as all my heretical books - should show that
although many of my mis-deeds happened long ago I have not seen the error
of my ways or been "saved".
When I consider what a circus my trial would be (Shit,
O.J. Simpson would look like a piker compared to me) it's hard to see myself
as a boring old woman. Geeze I'm feeling revitalized already. I had no idea
I was such a badass.
Then there's the stoning. I've always been against the
death penalty but if there is going to be one I really like the idea of
stoning. I've always had a hard time with lethal injection. It's too neat
and clean. Too easy to ignore. I think that killing someone should be bloody
and gory because it is, after all....KILLING. Remember the huge fuss over
the journalist that was beheaded? (A perfect example that fundamentalists
know their shit.) As much fuss was made over the method of death as of the
death itself because it looked medieval, barbarian and inhumane. Well, duh!
And finally, just in case there is the slightest chance
that I've entirely lost my mind and the fundamentalist christians are
correct in their beliefs on heaven and hell, this should pretty well assure
that I won't have to spend eternity with them. (I'm pretty sure, Jesus won't
be there either.)
Well, I'm feeling so good now I think I'll go look up
my horoscope, cast the I Ching, send a few bucks to the ACLU, have
an afternoon delight with my non-husband and enjoy feeling like the wild
thing I used to be!
Namaste'
Bunni
11/08/04